The Book I Won't Write

[digitaldiscipline]

Chasing the Dime, by Michael Connelly, is that book. A slapdash tomorrow techno-"thriller," where you can see all the struts and spackle he used to create the idea, and none of the good writing, well-turned phrases, or interesting characters to make you want to read it. When my mother was anxious to fob her copy off on me to check out, I should have been suspicious (my parents are voracious Grisham, Cussler, and Grafton readers).

Even the hot blonde with the aftermarket rack couldn't keep me turning the pages. Call her hooters ex machina.

Every boneheaded cliche, every lame personality quirk, every hackneyed archetype, even the ridiculous shoot-em-up denouement (without any wrap up afterwards). . . it's like an object lesson in how to make a well-selling popular novel that not only has no soul, but studiously avoids even getting within hailing distance of meeting one, all while being gangly and rough around the edges.

It's books like this that are why I'm not a novelist, because I wouldn't want to write something this grotesquely, earnestly awful. I'm sure the idea was good, but the execution was abysmal. A mystery where the readers come to the wrong conclusion by outsmarting the characters is bad enough; when it happens because they outsmart the author, perhaps he should look into a career in pizza delivery management.

As an unrelated aside, I fucking rule. I totally blew the software trainer out of the water with some spontaneous, extemporaneous market-speak in response to a summary question, and left him gawping and saying, "Is that in our marketing literature or something?" No, dude, that's all me, and I was frigging brain-fried and exhausted when I laid that on you.

Hail to the King, baby.

Comments

I'm Humble . . .

[david-deacon.livejournal.com]

. . . even when confronted by a bad novel. At least other people get their novels published, which is more than I can brag about.

[poisongirl.livejournal.com]

That's almost how I felt after reading Along Came a Spider by James Patterson recently. I almost felt guilty for not liking it as much as most people I know (that have read it) do.

Of course you rule.

Re: I'm Humble . . .

[etcet.livejournal.com]

I'm not humble, I'm torqued off by the publishing industry fostering such shite into being worthy of marketing push and dollars because this guy managed to get his foot in the door at some point a few books ago. The good writing that was sent a "Thanks, but no thanks" letter as a result of this book's having gone to market appalls me.

I don't begrudge Connelly his success; it's a hard field. However, if you're in a position to be published, you (and your editors) ought to at least not pollute the market with garbage. Lest you think I'm some kind of lit snob, I also enjoy the cheese of Cussler's "Dirk Pitt" antics, but at least they're clever and well-executed, if ludicrous and formulaic. This was simply a -bad- book, and I resent that good books will never be seen by anyone but the author's friends and family as a result.

But, yes - this book was every bad thing I don't want to put in a novel with my name on the cover, and my obsessing over not committing such dreck to pixels, much less paper, is why I stick to the short story genre.

Re: I'm Humble . . .

[mpeace.livejournal.com]

My sifu has written a book about kung fu. I'm going to be taking photos for it and then it's going to be published, hopefully in the next few months.

I haven't said anything about it because it's one of those "keeps coming up and going nowhere" things but now he's actually completed all the writing and he really wants it done so we can sell copies at this huge tournament he's hosting in November.

I'll keep you in the loop about it.

[netgoth.livejournal.com]

Avoid "Lost Light" by Connelly too, then. It sounds like the one you just finished. I wound up throwing it out because the local book-bin place wouldn't take it. Frankly, it deserved that fate.

And gratz on the fantastic mind-blowing moment at work! :)

Re: I'm Humble . . .

[bynner.livejournal.com]

Hey, no one ever went broke appealing to the lowest common denominator... ;)

Re: I'm Humble . . .

[david-deacon.livejournal.com]

You don't like Cussler's "Dirk Pitt" books? What are ya, some kinda Communist? The next thing you'll be telling me is that you don't like the Travis McGee books. Or Alistair MacLain. Or the Destroyer books. Or even Donald Hamilton's Matt Helm books. A pox on your new house--that shite is how I plan to make a million dollars! But don't worry, I'll still invite you to my palatial mansion every once in a while. . . .