Kneel Before Grok!

[digitaldiscipline]

Shedding and shredding any pretense that I can't emulate the finest flavor of geek around, I went to the trouble to find a gaming/geeking icon that is actually a painted version of my own D&D miniature. Mine, in a display of both my stubborn nature and lousy fine-motor control, will remain unpainted.

Forthwith, what follows may be the first in a series of gaming recaps from the perspective of Grok, the half-Orc thug who is, fortunately or unfortunately, a good chunk of both the brawn and the brains of the crew running in critus' campaign.

Please imagine that the following is written with a very large, very blunt pencil in a weatherbeaten journal.

Day One: Walken in a Wetter Wonderland

Being on a boat sucks, but there's no adventure to be had back home.  "You, brainkid, go make us proud.  Come back as meeter (The word is liaison, Nert), earn mate."  My brother, the genius.  At least there's mead, and whatever wine's made Captain Walken so goddamned talkative. 

The other party members. . . oh, gods.  At least they're all small.  And they get the point when I pick them up and glower at them.  The human and the elf wizard don't shut up (what do we need to know?  All I need is someone to point me at the thing that needs hurting and move), the ranger drinks more than I do, the halfling rogue has no subtlety whatsoever, and the dwarf is trying to fish with a sword, for fuck's sake.  The pink gnome thing has everybody wrapped around her finger.

We're heading to Iaria, which has apparently been overrun with a serious case of Creeping Evil Bullshit.  Or maybe it's Rupuglican Taint.  I kind of tuned out, because I'm still pretty excited about being away from home, and that I earned Grand-pere's double-axe.

At least nobody's been seasick.  Yet.

Day Two: Iaria (Fine, thanks for asking)

Between my intimidation and the pink thing's cuteness, we figured out where we're going.  The human and the wizard found somebody who talked as much as they did, which presumably makes them happy.  The rogue smells like a dolphin's asshole for some reason, which has the dwarf in hysterics.  At least the elf got us good seats at the bar.  The local jerky is pretty good.  I don't care if it is smoked wharf rat.  The others got suckered into paying 1gp for a bath.  The dwarf at least had the sense to let me throw him in the ocean... away from where the poison rivers flow in, I think.  He wasn't any dumber when I pulled him out, but at least he smelled better.

Pinky charmed the guards by lighting up my loincloth.  That'd be a great trick back home, but I have no idea why the phrase "Disco Balls" made the human turn green.

Day Three: Finally, We Kill Stuff

Helping old codgers for fun and profit has taught me two things: one, I hate magical creatures, and two, there's a lot more to be made doing this than just honor and scars.  Goddamned were-rat got teeth-marks on my new mail shirt, not to mention drooled all over me.  Also: full-blood city Orcs are even dumber than the guys back home.  Richer, but dumber.  And weak, my gods, they're weak.  They did get a few pokes in (flying rogue theater was my favorite), but nothing we can't take care of with a couple days of R&R. 

Note to self:  Keep collecting heads.  It makes the pansy guards nervous, but they still pay in scrip for the kills.

The old guy was happy we got his painting back for him.  Why anyone would want a couple of old farts in front of a farmhouse holding a pitchfork is beyond me, but, hey, he let us keep the house.  I think I'll make the wizard clean it.   Lawful good my ass, he's an anally-organized ninny.

I'm going to see if there's a fighter's guild in town to practice some new moves.  If nothing else, if the dwarf joins, I can see how far that fat bastard will bounce when I catch him with the flat of my axe.

Day Seven: Boys in the Hood

Any shopkeeper who keeps a wolf in their store to discourage looters is good by me.  I think we'll buy a lot of provisions at the Stefan Elefan.  I'll make the guy famous; he can open shops all over the place.  The neighborhood flophous, on the other hand, ain't.  "No weapons allowed"?  Whatever, bub.

We ran into the local bad element, some guy named Codpiece or Starfish or something.  His mates said some things to Pinky that only I get to say, and I had to teach him some manners.  Bastard caught me once, but it was all downhill for him after that, and they dragged his sorry ass out all wobbly.   They won't want to play another round of "Fuck the Orc" anytime soon.  I kind of hung back and let the others clean house as we swept the neighborhood, which was probably for the best - Sybs (the human) caught a lucky shot and nearly bought the farm, and we finally see why the dwarf is here - the fat bastard is insane.  Leaping on counters and beheading gnolls, taking three at a time.  I guess Fight Club is paying off for him, too.

Comments

[david-deacon.livejournal.com]

"Stefan Elefan"

*chuckle* I'm stealing that.

[etcet.livejournal.com]

after he introduced us to "Stefan, who sells general goods in the slum here" and said, "So his shop is the Stefan Elefan?" poor Critus just about had an embolism.

I started calling his wolf "Slurpee."

[y2kdragon.livejournal.com]

Must not read with mouth full of morning coffee.

[etcet.livejournal.com]

you can pretty much assume I come with a "coffee and cats" warning label two feet high.

[xany.livejournal.com]

excellent write-up.

I am officially way too psyched to join up with you guys this Saturday.

oh, gods. At least they're all small.

heh... not for long. ;-)

[etcet.livejournal.com]

what's this i hear about someone bigger than me and dumber than the dwarf staggering around Iaria? (i'm fine, thanks for asking)

[xany.livejournal.com]

Garg may be about as sharp, pretty, and deadly as a bag of hammers, but he's surprisingly wise. sometimes. ;-)

[tirani.livejournal.com]

Oh my god. Someone needs to start doing this for our game. Not me, I'm the paladin. CG Elf Paladin, at that.

[etcet.livejournal.com]

it would probably be funnier if -everyone- did it, so you could get several sides of the story. plus, people will remember different things.

i don't think the human likes me, and i really don't think the halfling realizes i'm serious when i talk about throwing him for distance.

[tirani.livejournal.com]

Everyone in the game has a LJ, it could be amusing.

[xany.livejournal.com]

Garg will likely give some sort of in-character account of his experiences here, however, since he's completely illiterate, I'm going to need to think up some concept for his delivery.

counting and recounting...

[aishlynn.livejournal.com]

i'm thinking maybe he can catch and tame a baby beholder and someone can enchant it to be a mimic...feed it and it repeats whatever you've told it.
behold the first, uh, eye-pod? hey, it's a free-form game, people! use your imagination fer chrissakes!

(hold the groans. it just gets worse.)

and for the record, it's not that the human doesn't like Grok...she doesn't like his SMELL. she's a cleric, dammit. isn't there some adage about cleanliness being next to godliness? or in her case goddessliness?

Re: counting and recounting...

[xany.livejournal.com]

but, if smell clean orcs and gobbies will smell coming!

uncleanliness am next to Gargliness! So am say Garg.

Re: counting and recounting...

[y2kdragon.livejournal.com]

So they'll just smell the cleric approaching. Garg will just be the "surprise guest" attending the beatings.