2006-05-12 09:17![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
digitaldiscipline
digitaldisciplineFew non-traumatic things suck as much as not knowing what's real.
But, man... going through life, convinced that it isn't real... I can see why some folks need to be institutionalized. I like to think I'm rational and objective, but that was incredibly fucked up.
[also, an excuse to use a newly-stolen icon, which will replace the me-as-a-south-park-character]
In the darkness before my alarm went off at six this morning, I lay awake in bed, alternately chilled and sweating, thinking that my life, the one I have here with all of you, wasn't just a lie, but didn't even exist, and was merely the last fevered and febrile imaginings of my subconscious before I was going to wake up and spend the next six months in jail for some trivial car-related issue.
"What should I put on the return address card for them to send my personal effects? My parents' address? What if they move? My address? Why do I keep mis-spelling it? It doesn't matter.... if I can't work for that long, the mortgage won't get paid, and it won't be my house anymore. I need to move the car. And roll up the windows."
Anxiety is one thing, but waking up in my bed was no respite - my brain was more than half convinced that this was an escapist fantasy from that awful reality, and even talking it through with K barely took the edge off. I'm still a little creeped out by it.
"What should I put on the return address card for them to send my personal effects? My parents' address? What if they move? My address? Why do I keep mis-spelling it? It doesn't matter.... if I can't work for that long, the mortgage won't get paid, and it won't be my house anymore. I need to move the car. And roll up the windows."
Anxiety is one thing, but waking up in my bed was no respite - my brain was more than half convinced that this was an escapist fantasy from that awful reality, and even talking it through with K barely took the edge off. I'm still a little creeped out by it.
But, man... going through life, convinced that it isn't real... I can see why some folks need to be institutionalized. I like to think I'm rational and objective, but that was incredibly fucked up.
[also, an excuse to use a newly-stolen icon, which will replace the me-as-a-south-park-character]
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
I've woken up with the sense that someone was in the house, trying to kill me. I had to open every closed thing in the house. Even cabinets and drawers that were way to small for anyone to hide in. And all the while, the rational part of my mind is saying "you've finally slipped, havne't you?" and the irrational part of my mind was saying "AHHHHHHHHHHHAAHAHAHITSGOINGTOGETMEGETMEGETMEGETMEAHHHHHHHH!!!" which really only made my rational mind more terrified that I was never going to stop.