Making it entirely out of fail

[digitaldiscipline]

This is more or less verbatim. I have witnesses.

My day job is to be nice when helping people with their computers, not their fitness issues.

Coworker: "I want to build my back."
Me: "Do deadlifts, rows, and pullups."
Coworker: "My back, though..."
Me: "Keep your back flat, don't arch."
Coworker: "I don't want to get too big in my upper body, though."
Me: ....
Me: "Your back IS part of your upper body."
Coworker: "I mean, my chest. I don't want it to get bigger and put strain on my lower back."[1]
Me: "Look, to build muscle, you have to put strain on it. If you strengthen your back and core, that will protect your lower back."
Coworker: "But I don't want to strain my back."
Me: "Fine. Do pullups or squats."
Coworker: "Squats? Man! I don't want to do those."
Me: "I have nothing else to say to you."

I may not be the most knowlegeable person about everything fitness-related, but when you come to me and ask my free advice because I'm the most experienced local resource, and don't want to do anything I suggest?  My patience rapidly approaches zero.

Seriously, just... fuck you, dude. You can work, or you can bitch. I know which of those options gets results.

[1] Coworker is four inches taller and maybe fifteen or twenty pounds heavier than I am; he's not in any danger of being huge, heavy, or imbalanced, and has actually lost thirty pounds just by eating sensibly despite being almost laughably workout-averse.

Comments

[shanmonster.livejournal.com]

It's even worse with women. They look at me, say they wish they had a build like I do, but are afraid they'll look like Schwarzenegger if they do more than pace desultorily on the treadmill. They ask me for advice, then react in horror. I shake my head and say, "Do I look anything like Schwarzenegger? No. Do I lift heavy weights regularly? Yes."

[perspicuity.livejournal.com]

same with some friends of mine.

i said "don't worry, YOU can't possibly get huge like you're saying"... -- "wait, WHY NOT" -- "because for women, you'd have to be training for HOURS and HOURS everyday, without fail, at intensity levels i can't imagine you have time for. hell, you don't even have time to watch tv, you think you have time for the gym?" -- "screw you! i can be huge if i want to" -- "right"

but yeah, even going to the gym 3-5 times a week and doing weights? they'll get stronger, they might get some yummy definition, get more compact, but they won't get huge. not without "help"...

#

[etcet.livejournal.com]

sure you do! you have, uh... hair. and skin. and visible muscle definition.

[miss-adventure.livejournal.com]

This is truth. If anything, I'd like to be bulkier than I am, but I've made peace with being a wiry string bean sort of girl. And I still get people telling me that if I keep lifting so heavy I'll become huge/masculine/hurt my lady parts. Yeah, no.

[etcet.livejournal.com]

anytime i hear people start to make that argument, i stop them.

"look at me."
"what?"
"look. at. me."
"okay..."
"do I look like fucking schwarzenegger?"
"no...."
"i've been lifting for a couple of years, and if you don't mind my saying so, busting my ass. you're not going to fucking hulk out by accident. now pick up the fucking weights."

at that point, since they know my reputation for being something of a madman when it comes to my workouts, it kind of dawns on people that, hey, yeah, maybe it isn't so easy that it might happen when you're not looking, not to mention not trying.

[this random bit of invective is brought to you by the fact that i now weigh as much as i did before i started exercising seriously five years ago, but am a much stronger, leaner, and generally more bad-ass sack of meat.]

[chiller.livejournal.com]

Maybe this chap needs to be doing some yoga.

[etcet.livejournal.com]

i'm not sure yoga will lead to huge back muscles, but, if it does, i need to try those moves.

i just spend a couple of minutes attempting not to fall over in Tree Pose most mornings.

[chiller.livejournal.com]

It won't lead to huge back muscles, but training against his own bodyweight runs less risk of straining something, and will still build a good, strong core.

Wait. I thought falling over was PART of Tree Pose. I had convinced myself that it was a "circle of life" deal, and that's the bit where the tree dies and returns to the Earth.

[etcet.livejournal.com]

I am a fan of "speed bump" or "dead body" pose myself, and assume it for about eight hours a night.

[ivy]

It's a thing!

[cassandrasimplx.livejournal.com]

I thought falling over was PART of Tree Pose. I had convinced myself that it was a "circle of life" deal, and that's the bit where the tree dies and returns to the Earth.

I'm adding this to my morning practice from now on.

[ivy]

Try some of the handstands and inversions! [grin] Start here.

[etcet.livejournal.com]

Handstand pushups are one of my occasional progress checks. :-)

[normalcyispasse.livejournal.com]

Validation. These folks (and I get 'em too) just want validation of their own ideas. They don't want you to actually help them, they just want you to give them a metaphorical pat on the back and tell them that what they're doing is just fine.

[etcet.livejournal.com]

the thing is, he doesn't even *want* to work out, as far as i can tell. the most i've seen him do is bang out fifteen or twenty pushups.

[mckitterick.livejournal.com]

You can work, or you can bitch. I know which of those options gets results.

Word!

[etcet.livejournal.com]

one of the universal truths, really.

[bathalamus.livejournal.com]

And this is precisely why I stopped offering training or nutrition advice to people who are not already seriously into exercising & dieting.

My personal favorites
1. Woman needed to drop about 50#. I gave her very simple guidelines (no drinks other than water & black coffee, no sweets, eat more meat, no bread, etc). response: "But I really like cake!"
2. Girl needed to gain about 20# (5'8", 101#). When told that she needed to stop doing 2 hours of cardio a day and eat more (especially meat & fats), she replied "I can't eat more! I already eat too much!"
3. Guy who wanted to "tone up" to look like Ryan Renolds (he needed to drop a ton of fat & gain a lot of muscle. Think Comic Book Guy). When I told him step 1 was to stop eating fast food and go to the gym, I was told "I said just need to tone up! Why should I have to stop eating and go to the gym! You should just tell me how much I need to jog each day and what supplements to take! 1/2 mile, 1 mile, creatine, protein, testosterone, what?"

Sadly, these are all true stories.

[etcet.livejournal.com]

"You must have a clue this large to ride the ride."

[serpentstar.livejournal.com]

I think you need to quote some Rollins to him (I know you know this one already, but WTF, it bears repeating, daily) --

"The Iron never lies to you. You can walk outside and listen to all kinds of talk, get told that you're a god or a total bastard. The Iron will always kick you the real deal. The Iron is the great reference point, the all-knowing perspective giver. Always there like a beacon in the pitch black. I have found the Iron to be my greatest friend. It never freaks out on me, never runs. Friends may come and go. But two hundred pounds is always two hundred pounds."

[sloot.livejournal.com]

when you come to me and ask my free advice because I'm the most experienced local resource, and don't want to do anything I suggest?  My patience rapidly approaches zero.

You could be talking about a lot of things here...

[http://users.livejournal.com/_glamazon/]

Its people like him that make me so happy not to be a trainer anymore.

You can only explain basic concepts, the importance of balancing muscle groups and counter illogical, unscientific theory so many times before your head is going to explode.

THis guy sounds like he doesnt even know what he wants, and further, he doesnt sound like he even wants to make a genuine effort, so how is anyone supposed to advise him? Ugh.