Seldom....

[digitaldiscipline]

I seldom get to be an unrepentant dick at work, but I was just now.

This morning, a coworker announced that she had made cupcakes, which folks could have as an afternoon snack.

Cupcake-making coworker took a late and long lunch. Other coworkers got back from their lunches and began wandering over to this person's desk (which is near mine, in an enclosed portion of the office) and making cupcake-related inquiries.

I managed not to say "YOU KNOW WHAT, THEY'RE NOT MY FUCKING CUPCAKES, I DON'T GIVE A FLYING BLUE SHIT IF YOU EAT ONE," to all and sundry, who were vulturing at my neighbor's desk.

Is my name on any fucking email about cupcakes? No. Did I make them? No.

In short, I do not have anything to do with the fucking cupcakes.

Cupcake-making coworker (CMK) returned and noticed three missing cupcakes. I named names of those who had procured them impatiently. Apparently, there was keen interest in the subsequent twit I made: "I HAVE THROWN PEOPLE UNDER THE CUPCAKE BUS, AND I PROCLAIM LOUDLY AND WITHOUT REMORSE, I FEEL NO SHAME FOR MY ACTIONS."

CMK then sent out another department-wide email, stating where the cupcakes were (another part of the office). Moments later, another coworker came by, looking for the cupcakes.

Me: Learn to read, dude.
Coworker: What?
Me: Do you see any cupcakes here?[1]
Coworker: Ummm... no?
Me: Is (location of cupcakes) in here?
Coworker: No....
Clue Light: [illuminates]
Coworker: [wanders off]

VEX ME NOT WITH YOUR DESSERTS AND PASTRIES, YE WASTRELS, FOR MY WRATH IS MIGHTY, MY SNARK WITHOUT LIMIT, AND MY REMAINING TEMPER MEASURED IN ANGSTROMS.

[1] Yes, you can hear, "Does Marcellus Wallace look like a bitch?" very plainly in this utterance.

Comments

[razorjak.livejournal.com]

Frosting, Motherfucker! Do you speak it?

Say snack again! I dare you! I double dog dare you!

[ginnyland.livejournal.com]

I just wanted to use this icon on you. That's all.
:D

[etcet.livejournal.com]

See icon.

[ginnyland.livejournal.com]

You are not prepared for the sparkly frosty things that await you!

[naeelah.livejournal.com]

Haha, I just ganked that icon from someone today. (Unfortunately I don't have a non-twilight related sparkling icon so I'll just go with batman. Can't go wrong with batman.)

[fallenlibrarian.livejournal.com]

you sir, are made of awesome.

[ruefullyamused.livejournal.com]

Do you offer your services to other places of employment? We are in dire need of your candor.

[ladysoleil.livejournal.com]

My usual response to such inquiries is "It's not my week to watch him/her/it". ;)

[apocalypticbob.livejournal.com]

The path of the hungry man is beset on all sides by the iniquities of the vending machine and the tyranny of evil granola. Blessed is he who in the name of deliciousness and delectableness shepherds the weak through the valley of Slimfast, for he is truly his coworker's keeper and the finder of lost cupcakes. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my frosting. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my sprinkles upon thee.

[etcet.livejournal.com]

The mention of the word "sprinkles" will probably end up getting you /friended by somebody around here *laugh*

[apocalypticbob.livejournal.com]

Anyone who would unfriend me over sprinkles was never my friend at all. Mama said so.

I am, to this point, unaware of deep-seated cupcake confection convictions in any of my friends... care to enlighten me?

[etcet.livejournal.com]

I have friends who are alarmingly *into* sprinkles.

[etcet.livejournal.com]

and, since my syntax is causing confusion:

/friend

is the syntax in most MMORPGs to add someone to one's list of friends, it's not an ascii depiction of detaching a friend, or something like that.

[apocalypticbob.livejournal.com]

Ah, see, and I went straight to HTML land and figured /friend meant endfriend.

But not in the murderous "I will end you!" kind of way. One hopes. 'Cause that would be snuff, not sprinkles.

YAY clarification!!

[ross-winn.livejournal.com]

I am intrigued by your musings sir, and would like to subscribe to your newsletter...

[y2kdragon.livejournal.com]

"Um, are the cupcakes here?"

"Not any more." *burp*